Washing away the tornado

Posted in Reflexiones on August 27, 2010 by Papi J

Light post that reminds me of the Ninja Turtles movie.

Still cargo.

One by one, the cars drove by alone.

I don't know what to call this but I loved it.

I know I have been m.i.a. lately… but I’ve had a lot on my mind.

Mainly a lot of disappointment from my behalf.

Have you ever felt like there is a tornado going on inside you? I feel like that. I am wondering when it will stop. Sometimes it slows down and I think it went away but then something triggers it and I can’t control it.

Today was the second day that I am starting to qualm all that is twisting and turning. I was able to find peace. In the most unexpected place too, the shower. There is something about water running down your face that you almost feel it washing away the fear, regrets and tears.

I allowed myself to have a moment of peace. I needed to give myself a moment.

But after I got a taste of that, I did not want it to stop. I did what I always do when I am looking for peace. I went out to take pictures. There is this industrial side of L.A. that I feel a lot of people hardly see or appreciate, so I went there to take pictures. I focused on the 4th Street Bridge bordering Boyle Heights.

It felt liberating to be out at night (my sister in toe) choosing what I wanted to do and going where I wanted to go.

I hope you enjoy these photos because I enjoyed taking them.



“Bonafide Lovin”

Posted in Dating on July 16, 2010 by Papi J

Please play this as you read. It ad’s to the mood of my post.

So, I went out on a date  a couple days ago. Typical lesbian date really: Sushi for dinner and then a drink at a bar.

She is a cutie.

I met her awhile ago and I strategically waited until I bumped into her again to get her number. Well I did last week while on one of my many candy store outings to Kyss at Here Lounge in WeHo.

  I got her number before I was too drunk to walk straight and before she caught me giving mouth-to-mouth to this poor girl who needed my help. Lol.

Anyways, we went out on  a Tuesday (why a Tuesday? you may ask…well it is because weekends are for special people in my life..I only have two entire days for myself, I have to be picky with who I spend them with)

Dinner was good. The sushi was Grade A. And I really liked that she ate until she was satisfied. There is nothing like a woman who can eat…

So after dinner I made the mistake to take her to a bar where my friends would be. Not because I don’t love my friends but because some dirt that I don’t want her finding out might come out–well it did.

Something like this was said about me:

“Remember that time we went to ‘Holla @ the moon?'” — Amiga

–Friends– “Hahahaha Yeah!”

“OMG, Papi J (not really the name used to call me), had so much game! It was like one after another” — Amiga

—Friends– “OMG hahaha”

“Yeah dude! She has like these sex eyes…she makes straight girls stop and ask themselves if they’re gay or not”– Amiga

—Me— Stiff and rigid.

—Date— Awkward.

My credibility of being a sweet-gentle-lady= Ruined.
So what did I learn? Some of you may already have figured this out.

Dont. Dont. Bring your dates to meet your crazy friends until like the 4th date….maybe.

The night ended with me walking her to her car and hugging her goodnight. Honestly, I behaved. I was trying to keep it PG out of repsect for her. Now I wonder, was that the best route?

The Marriage Issue

Posted in The Movement on July 13, 2010 by Papi J

Marriage. I have been hearing that word a lot lately. As I was sitting today in my cubicle (yes, I have a cubicle) I over heard my co-worker (who still doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me) talking about her honeymoon and her wedding with our other co-workers.

I thought it was cute, but then it hit me…I can’t get married. Even if I was dumb enough to do it, I can’t talk about my honeymoon or bachelorette party like they can. All I can do is stand on the sidelines and watch as other people have that right.

I am in my early twenties and marriage at the moment is like a complicated alien word that makes no sense for me.

But even if I am not willing to take that on, why are my brothers and sisters who are ready for that commitment denied and told their love is not the same/valid/equal/natural/normal compared to a straight persons.

With the ruling on Prop. 8 only weeks away I think about what the future will bring. Regardless on what U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker rules on, both sides are taking it to the next circuit.

It is inevitable that the decision to legalize gay marriage will end up in the Supreme Court but are we, queers from all over the country and allies, ready within the next two years to defend our rights?

And even if we were, it not up to us…it is up to the Supreme Court judges who will be making that decision for us.

It is almost difficult to say what the outcome will be since we (LGBT) people still haven’t qualified as a protected group under the “Equal Protection Clause” of the 14th Amendment.

All these questions and possibilities are floating in the air and only a small percentage of our community will have a say in the outcome.

The question really is, am I ready to deal with the work that is still needed to be done in my community so that when whatever decision prevails we are supported by our community and have a mobile army of queers and allies ready to defend their rights or their sisters,brothers,cousins, uncles, aunts, parents, nephews and friends.

“You Think Everyone’s Gay!”

Posted in Talking Outloud on July 5, 2010 by Papi J

My scene.

“You think everyone’s gay!” If I had a penny for every time someone said that to me I’d be living the life.

Let me give you a play-by-play so you understand why my friends say that.

Act 1:

I show up at a bar with my friends which usually consists of 3-4 straight people in a bar in Eagle Rock/Glassell Park/Downtown/etc..usually wearing my brown pleather jacket and knee high boots/ brown “fuck me” pumps with  my hair in a controlled mess.

Act 2:

My friends and I drink one beer and they start to talk b.s. about each other and our work while I am strategically scanning the room. All the meanwhile I am half paying attention to the conversation.

Act 3:

Second Beer. Girls start to look better and my courage starts to build by the minute.

Act 4:

Third beer. Look for cutest girl at the bar. Find one and she is also sitting with her friend..Plus! My friends roll their eyes and ignore me as I walk away.

Act 5:

This scene usually varies. Sometimes they flirt back other times they act surprised that I am hitting on them.

Rejection Rates also vary. Depends what you consider rejection. But my usual response is “I think your cute but I can’t do anything because my friends are here.”

Here lies the issue. If I know they are straight why do I keep on doing it.

Two answers: Alcohol and Fun.

At first it did bug me. Why can’t I ever meet gay woman.

And for a long time I blamed  it  on my surroundings because I do frequent many straight bars with my friends and it still does contribute to some extent to why I always am hitting on straight women BUT I am starting to learn how to take ownership of the fact that I also like to like these women.

Nothing is more frustrating/fun than flirting and trying to pick up straight woman.

But, the way I see it is if I am going to go to a straight bar I need to entertain myself. I can’t help it if I am attracted to these women and might as well see how far I get with the odds against me.

Procuring Memories of South Central

Posted in Reflexiones on June 30, 2010 by Papi J

My old room. THEN.

Current House. NOW.

As I was driving stuck in traffic on the 110 I realized that today marks the first month that I have lived in South Central.

I try not to think much about the fact that I am living here, because I really do hate it.

But it does make me realize and appreciate everything I used to have.

My own room with a bed big enough for two, my bookshelf, my desk and the ability to light up a joint on any given night  and play music on my laptop as I practiced the guitar.

Those days seem so long ago that it makes me melancholic.

Now as I exit on Manchester, I am faced with homeless people asking for money right off the freeway, dirty streets, crappy fast-food joints and the loud noise of helicopters and planes flying by ..but nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the daily jingle of the ice-cream truck that passes by my house every 10 minutes. How many kids live on this block? And more importantly, how many times a day do they eat ice-cream?

All I can say is that this experience motivates me more every day to find a stable job so I can move out and FINALLY have my own room again.

I don’t know about you but before I go to sleep in my uncomfortable bed I fantasize about two things…women and my own room…in hopes that the two in the same place will one day become a reality. And when it does, sooner rather than later, I won’t take it for granted.

So as I sit in my car, moving at 3 mph, I take a deep breath and wait.

Online dating…sometimes if you want to get to the point

Posted in Dating, sex-capade on June 21, 2010 by Papi J

After I came out I encountered a dilemma…how do you know if she is a lesbian?

My first suggestion was to tag all the lesbians in the world…but then that came to close to the Nazi days so I had to change my approach.

The thing is that with some women, se les nota (you can tell) but for others like myself it is hard to tell…well that is until I open my mouth and I say something totally gay.

So one of the first things I did was register with www.downelink.com which is a “social networking” site for the LGBT community.

I created this lovely and possibly too revealing profile about myself and what I was looking for.  In my mind, which tends to occur often, I imagined this great love story of me meeting the womyn of my dreams after one look at her profile picture and after a couple exchanged messages we would instantly click and have a happy ending.

It will be 3 years this November that I have had this profile and let me tell you none of those fairy-tale stories you see in the movies has happened.

So far, I have met up with 3 girls  from the website and they all had very different endings.

My first experience was definitely interesting and set a tone that I did not expect.

We went out to this sandwich place in Chinatown called Philippe’s “the birth place of the French dipped sandwich” after my lezbro recommended it. I had never been to the place but I took his word for it.

I was SOOO greatful that when I saw her in person she DID look like her profile picture…hazel eyes, curly hair and well endowed. Well, the date was OK. I was trying hard to make interesting conversation and it did not help that I was hella nervous. And after we ate (which btw, I would not recommend anyone take a girl to Philippes on a first date) we drove in her car to Little Tokyo and ended up at some RANDOM jazz bar with old Asian people singing and line dancing.

It was all very eary and awkward and I could not hear anything she was saying. Plus her low cut shirt was very distracting.

So after 3o-minutes there we decided to call it a night and we drove back to the parking lot of Philippe’s where I had left my car in the parking lot. I strategically looked around and so no other car but my own. My goal was to kiss her  before I left  but,  I had never kissed  strange womyn on the first day with out at least being buzzed.

She could tell i was holding something back so I decided honesty was the best policy…so I told her that I wanted to kiss her but I was nervous. And next thing you know we were like the scene in Titanic when Rose’s hand leaves an imprint in the steamy car. Well..it was complicated because we were moving seats back and forth and legs didnt fit here or there. LOL.

Oh memories…but the best part hasn’t happened…after we started to get comfortable the cooks from Philippe’s come out and knock on the car door! FUUUUCKkk!!!

I pulled up my pants faster than a fireman could and we were looking for shirts and shoes and all hell broke loose! She put the car in gear and we took off! Only problem was that my car was still in the parking lot! FUCK!
So we went around the block for then minutes and everytime we passed my car the guys were still peeking in my car! I finally convinced her to pull in and luckily when we did the guys moved, guys that reminded me of my Tio Chuy when we got closer to them.

I dont even think I said goodbye to the girl. I just jumped in my car started the ignition y “queme llanta!” (peeled out).

I haven’t seen her or heard from her since…but if it is one thing that this experience taught me was that I shouldn’t delete my profile yet.

A Smörgåsbord of Mujeres

Posted in Talking Outloud on June 21, 2010 by Papi J

Since I have been really really single for a month now I am trying this thing they call “dating.”

So whenever my friends ask me what I am looking for in a womyn I used to say all these requirements that someone would  list on their matchdotcom profile or something cheesy like that (I ain’t hating on those internet daters) but the reality is/was that I just don’t know.

Obviously not the abusive, married, cheating type of womyn. But, simply someone who might show me something new/different in life that I have yet to discover.

What I do know, is that I am open to all sorts of womyn whether they are writers/cops/bartenders a Smörgåsbord is how un amigo put it and I must agree.

All in the hopes of breaking out of my shell.

And I must say that I am in the right city to do so! Don’t let ‘The Real L Word’ fool you, I have encountered mujeres hermosas of all kinds in this huge-ass city!

In the meantime this is what is keeping me up at night…enjoy!